On Monday jiaen alex fangqi lyn and I went to parkway for dinner=) pastamania.
Busy with choir pracs and we just had farewell for choir. Econs project is getting postponed time and time again.
Got some christmas shopping done with jia min today. I realised we forgot to take pictures, so..I shall apologise here=(
I'm tired of playing these facades that I keep on long enough to deceive you and hopefully deluding myself in the end. It shadows the game of charades that we have so often derived amusement from, the difference between mine and ours is that this is a game that is endless for me, tides of addiction that I drug myself on, to survive the hypocritical smiles that decorate my face.
I'm sad. Whatever you want to be and can't be. Friends matter to me so much. I guess I shouldn't let my guard down and start becoming real friends with people. No matter what, I should have never allowed you a chance to hurt me. Being detached, formal, cool, saying things that I don't really mean, not ever being sincere..I don't know if I can do it.
I'm sick and tired of taking the initiative. I should just keep my mouth wisely muted to save myself from all the trouble that I bring onto myself. The unkept promises that haunt me in moments of self-reflection really brought reality slamming right into my face. Vile loathsome creature. Bel said when I initiate something, it usually means I care most about it and so others will naturally depend upon me to be responsible about it. But I'll appreciate it if I get support (even moral support would be nice) from the rest, especially if we agreed to have it done.
I'm not a nice person at all. I want to treat everyone with trust and love, and I've been praying every night that I accomplish this task. But every time I trust, an additional barrier gets erected. Why can't you just say what you truly mean? Stupid stupid me. Once bitten twice shy. That's how it's supposed to be. I wish for an open mutual friendship. Maybe it's just me. Over-sensitive and emotional. sigh. Forget it. No matter what happens venus will not become mars, not will any other thing will it the other way. Reality is like an over-baked cookie. It's hard, tough to chew, and gives you indigestion and constipation.
I think I might be suffering from the giam-less day blues. She hasn't left, will only be on thurs, but still..2 whole weeks. sigh. How can I survive without your smiles that radiate truely from your heart, completed with touches of twinkle that light up your eyes? Sister, friend, companion, confidante and much more=) I shall miss you dearly. Do take care of yourself. And learn some digging skills in the process=)) miss me too!
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